Sometimes I think I'm too idealistic. As in, not about world peace or global warming or poverty and all the other issues that'll only end when civilization ends, but about my personal life. I am something of a realist, bordering on a pessimist sometimes... not really a happy person by nature. So it's not like I think life will be a fairy tale, or that I'll get everything I want, no matter how good I am or how hard I work.
No, I'm idealistic when it comes to people. Not everybody, of course, because then I'd be one of those stupid naive people who irk me so much. Its a bit of a conundrum actually. I'm actually slightly jaded when it comes to people - a result of quick changes and bad experiences. I don't let people in very easily, as I have come to the conclusion they are rarely worth it. But then, I meet some people who I feel are worth the effort and whom I should trust. You know how you have the fling, the one-night stand, the school sweetheart, and then the guy you marry and spend the rest of your life with? I have those levels even in friendship. And I treat my friends accordingly too. But with the guy you marry, you have a certain level of trust, you tell him what you feel, you tell him what you think, you trust him entirely and don't keep things from him, right?? [In my defence, I did warn you I'm idealistic about personal life] So I want to have that with my closest friends, the people I let in. I guess that's why I always get hurt.
In my head, along with all the other idealistic jabberwocky about love and family and whatever, I have this code. A code I think all friends, real friends not the rest of the crowd, should have with each other. If I trust you, and you trust me, then I should be able to say what I feel, what I think, even if you don't want to hear it, because really, if I don't say what you don't want to hear, who will? Isn't that part of the job description? Be happy for them, be stupid with them, be angry at them, go to them when either of you are sad, listen when they tell you something, and tell them if they're doing something you think is wrong or stupid? I mean I get it, nobody likes being told that, I certainly don't but these things need to be said right? Someone has to be brutally honest and say it like it is before things become too wrong. And when you're away from your family, it should be your friend right?
We all wear masks around people, everyday all day and it's exhausting sometimes. I have always thought (wished, hoped, dreamt, yearned) that family and friends are the two categories of people in front of whom we should be able to drop the masks without being afraid that they'll turn away from what they see. I mean if you can't show all your character flaws and the real you to even these people, then really, who else is left? But that's not how it works. Nobody else seems to think this way, which makes me think I'm wrong, but God, I want to be right, otherwise the other possibilities leave me too lonely and vulnerable with no one to turn to.
I have many character flaws. I am a very dry person - not happy too often, don't laugh (like really laugh) too often. My parents and my brother have told me this often enough, and I guess they have a point. My words are generally too harsh, I sometimes push the line a little too far, say more than I should have. So I hurt people, without meaning to. The intention to cause hurt is never there, so going by all that I've been studying this semester, I shouldn't be guilty of a crime. But I guess these are cases of absolute liability, intention is not relevant and I get punished. I am not justifying my actions, or saying that I don't need to change this side of me, I do. But is it too idealistic to wish, to hope that I can have friends who will put up with it, and say it right out to me if they can't and tell me to mind it as they've reached the limit of their tolerance with my bullshit? Because that's all I've ever wanted. Because if I can have that, then maybe I wouldn't feel so scared or vulnerable to tell them how I feel about things.
I have never had that friend. That one friend whom you tell everything. Who knows exactly how you feel, and what to do about it. Who knows you inside out and likes what she knows, the one to whom you can turn no matter what and be able to say what's bothering you. It has always been something I have missed my whole life.
I have this group of friends back home, amazing friends whom I love to spend time with, whom I actually miss sometimes when I'm sitting in college or hostel and the people are being annoying. I consider them to be really good friends, certainly people I still want to be in touch with even after 10 years. But sometimes, it stuns me how little they actually know about me. I mean I have only known them for 5 years now, 3 of which we have all spent in different institutions, only meeting up on birthdays, so I guess it's understandable. Then there are these two other friends of mine, MS and RP whom I've known since ages and ages (6th std, to be precise) but then I left the city, and again, we are down to conversations on birthdays. I value them a lot, and I know they value me too, but they're not people I can talk to about my day as I don't see them everyday. We're not as close as we once were, and definitely not as close as I hoped we'd be when we finally got to this point in our life. My oldest and closest friend is G. I have known her since I was 6. But she moved away in 6th std. So we are close and I love her, but those years after are the ones when you actually grow up and she wasn't there. We have met a handful of times since she left, maybe 15, probably less. When we meet, I feel happy. And I talk to her sometimes on the phone, but I'm not that great a conversationalist on the phone, so it's not the same thing.
I tell myself it's not my fault. I have moved around a lot since 7th std, changed a lot of schools, and it's been hell. I mean, these are the years when we actually grow up, form our own personalities, and I was always something of an outsider during these times, trying to make a place for myself in a room full of people who have known each other for years. So it can't be my fault I haven't formed that close relation with anyone. But then sometimes I think maybe it's me. Maybe it's because of how I am, of who I am and what I expect (all my idealistic bullshit) that this happens. Maybe I am the reason I don't have a best friend.
And that scares me. More than anyone knows.
