Day - 2 (ahem ahem)

So... It's been a while. Maybe I should rename this the 30-month challenge. See this is why I'm bad at this stuff, I totally forgot I was supposed to put something up everyday. It slipped my mind entirely. But I remember now, and just in case, I'll be posting days 2 and 3 today itself.

My blog. My wish. So there.

Day - 2
Your favorite book.


Now this is a tough one. I mean all fans have a ranking order of the books figured, and I'm no different, but damn, it's hard to choose just one! I am conflicted between the 3rd, 4th and 6th. Although Goblet was very pivotal, and I think one of the best written books in the series, and 6th has some of my all time favorite scenes and one-liners, I think I'll have to go with Prisoner of Azkaban. This is because apart from it being very well written and over-all happy, I am infatuated by the Marauders, and think their story is fascinating. I really wish Rowling would write a book/series regarding the first war (i.e. starting right after Marauders leave Hogwarts) till Voldemort's sorta demise. There is so much scope in those characters,  so much tragedy. So yes, my favorite book would have to be the Prisoner of Azkaban, for introducing us to Harry's origins.

Harry Potter 30 Day Challenge - Day 1

I will never be accused of being a fanatic, or a crazy fan. I support India in cricket, Man Utd in football, Nadal in tennis, I have favorite bands, movies, the usual shebang. But I am not a die-hard fan of any of these - I am upset if my guy/team loses, but not angry or heart broken, I don't like it when people insult my favorites but don't jump down their throat for doing so, nor do I mount a fervent defense. I just... support my favorites. Without being too involved or crazy or in love with any of it/them.

The closest thing to an exception is Harry Potter. I Love the series (and of course, like a true Potter fan, by that I am referring only to the books, not the disastrous movies). I am a crazy fan to the extent that I pre-ordered the last three books, currently own all seven, and can generally identify phrases or statements from the book, right down to which part it is from (yes, I am very smug about this fact). I analyze and re-analyze the book, read meanings into small things and sentence structures which Rowling never even thought of to satisfy my whims and fancies about my favourite series. I cried when Sirius died, was furious when Hedwig died, and wanted to throttle Rowling for killing off Tonks and Lupin right after Teddy was born (so I have a teensy-tiny obsession about the Marauders... but really, can you blame me?). Any way, I have always been fascinated by these 30 day challenge thingies. The first one I came across was w.r.t. songs, but I'm afraid I chickened out - not because I don't have a moderately extensive taste in music, but the 'moods' specified were a little alien to me. let's just leave it at that. But this Harry Potter one should be a piece of cake. I mean really, the day Deathly Hallows came out was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. So here goes.


Day - 1
Discuss how you got into Harry Potter.

My elder brother was reading the series. I was in that stage where I wanted to do everything he did, plus we didn't have a cable connection on our TV so I was bored, and voila! I started reading. Of course, my fascination (obsession sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it...) with the series has long since surpassed his. =D

So that's Day 1. Piece of cake.

Who'd you be?

So Ego asked me the other day that if I could be any character from a movie/comic/book/serial, anyone whosoever, who would I want to be? Since the only times I wish I was a guy are when I'm down, my choices are fictional women - Lara Croft, Selena (from Underworld), and Miranda Priestly. This is, of course, in no particular order.

On a separate note, vampires and werewolves used to be cool, I mean I love Underworld, especially the way the eyes of the people would change colours. I mean, they were cool and dangerous. Then Twilight happened. It ruined it.

Melodramatic Twats

So my next post was supposed to be about my views on religion and all the grief it has caused due to the fact that my parents are religious, but then life happened. My life is becoming like one of those stupid Hollywood chic-flicks, and it is killing me. It’s like I’m surrounded by melodramatic, emotional morons with no maturity and a flair for drama who seem intent on proving to me, despite all my attempts to not be condescending or superior, that they are indeed absolute idiots.

I mean I have lived in a metropolitan city all my life, so I am no stranger to the ways of the Bold, the Beautiful and the Stupid. But here in college, I find myself in the company of sad people who are in desperate need of some, but are unable to get any because of there sad-ity, and are stuck in a vicious cycle, becoming worse company.

There is of course, the quintessential whore of the class. Not even a year has finished, and she has already run through two guys, and if sources are to be believed, is on the prowl for the third douche. Then there are the wanna-be eejits, trying to get in with the "in" seniors, making total idiots of themselves and our batch as a whole. Then there are the guys. I pity them. They are pitiable. They are desperate, and emotional, not to mention generally ugly, and they are needy, and possessive, and the absolute opposite of my basic requirements in a guy. I mean, saalo se dosti karna bhi headache lagta hai, aur kuch to bhool hi jao. Where are all the guys? I want them to be unemotional, all that crap about being in touch with their inner-self and feelings can just go screw itself. I mean Seriously!!

Lets look at all the essential characters that I have come across in all my viewings of a cliche movie, shall we?

1) The rich who think they are oh-so-cool cos they have the money and the bf/gf.
Check.
2) The nerd who studies all the time and turns up his/her nose at other people for not doing so.
Check.
3) The bunch of wanna-be guys who try to act all cool and hip, and think they are James Bond because they have disrupted the class, and they think they are so suave and funny and great.
Check.
4) The irritating as hell person who wants to fit in but can't because they are just that annoying, and end up being invited everywhere anyway because they become a charity case.
Check.
5) The nauseating love-lorn couple that can't bear to spend even a moment without the each other's company.
Check.

Can you think of any more cliches? Because I'm sure I'm missing a few, and I can fit them in as well. People around me have known each other for less than a year, but they are already declaring themselves best-est of friends, and then having tear-filled falling outs. I swear, I have even seen a guy going up to another and giving him the age old "stay away from my girl, or else"...

Not only am I being forced to study, my free time is spent in the company of such nincompoops with no perspective or maturity. Thankfully, there are some people in this campus full of surreal TV/movie personalities who are real, and sensible. Otherwise I'm pretty sure one day I'd snap and either give all these idiots a piece of my mind, or get my hands on a machine gun and rid the world of their melodramatic stupidity. I used to wonder who on earth watches all those Ekta Kapoor-esque shows on TV, but clearly, if people conduct their lives like "Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi" episodes, then the high TRP ratings on these is to be expected.

The Bitch that is Relativity

Yeah, all you scientist-y nerds can just buzz off, nothing whatsoever to do with your relativity... I was just having a conversation the other day with a friend of mine, who shall probably be one of the regulars featured here, and hence shall have an actual name instead of an initial - Ego. So anyway, like I was saying, Ego and I were having a conversation about many things not meant for the ears of dim-wit mortals, but one of them struck me and has since stayed with me subconsciously till date. Ego asked me if I am a nice person. Let me tell you, that one threw me for a spin nice and proper.

Seems like a simple enough question, doesn't it? Well, it's not. What determines whether or not you are a nice person? Is it your actions alone? Or is it what other people think of your actions? I mean, I have never really done anything that qualifies as "bad", even though I am not the sweetest or soft-spoken or polite person you may come across. I told that to Ego, and I asked the question right back. And Ego, of course, couldn't give a simple answer, oh no, that would be too plebeian. Ego says to me, depends on how many people are pissed of with me at any point of time. Fought with a classmate, not a nice person, helped a friend by lending some cash or something, nicest person ever. This, people, is the the Bitch that is Relativity.

Bloody annoying isn't it? I mean, it's not the first time I have thought of this, it's always been there. Harry Potter didn't help matters. No Sir, reading it has actually led me to believe even more firmly that there is no such thing as right or wrong, it's just a matter of majority opinion (yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not what Rowling was aiming for when she killed of Voldemort in such a lame-ass way). Now let's examine the First and Second Wars between Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and the Order, Ministry and Aurors and other Do-gooders with death wishes [on a totally unrelated matter, I was typing this and I realised "Voldemort" and "Auror" are not words recognised by the Spell Check, I had to add them. Wtf??].

So where was I? Oh yeah, the Dark Forces and the Other Side. Now let's take a look at this. We learn that at some point during the First War, Aurors were authorised to use the Unforgiveables. So what we have is people from both sides killing each other. Why is killing a Death Eater justified, as opposed to killing someone from the Other Side? I mean lets face it, "he started it!" is an argument that's only cute till you are 6, after which it's just stupid. So yes, the Dark Side started it, but now both sides are killing people who are involved. I mean, Death Eaters have families and lives, they are missed by someone, they too are mourned, but somehow them dying is justified in our minds. Why? Because they are the 'Bad Guys'. My point is (and yes, I do have a point), says who? Why are they the bad guys? We only say that because it's what we believe. And what we believe becomes right because a relatively larger majority of the population agrees with us. I'm sure the Death Eaters were damn sure they were right in their belief. And when we have that short period in part 7 where the Ministry has been taken over by Voldemort during the Second War, what they believe becomes right. It becomes legal and right to throw people into Azkaban for being muggle-borns.

There was this whole dialogue in 'Inglorious Basterds' that if you have a cockroach in your house, you don't offer it hospitality, you crush it or throw it out. Of course, dude was talking about the Holocaust, and that was just wrong. But again, I am pretty sure the Nazis did what they did because they thought they were right.

So... what now, bitches?

You see how annoying this is? How all the moral, social, legal, religious and other such concepts depend entirely on who is in majority, who is in power? So then, what's the point of guiding your actions based on principles or values? They're utterly subjective concepts! There is no way of actually knowing what is right or wrong, good or bad, or yin or yang because of the Bitch that is Relativity.

Now, if only my parents would buy into this argument...

Things I Can't Do

I can't hum a song without others raising eyebrows in surprise because I'm not supposed to be in a happy mood, now am I?
I can't comfort or pacify someone when they are upset, crying or drunk because I'm a "mean" person.
I can't be nice to people without deserving some kind of comment or raised eyebrow because wow, I must be possessed by a spirit or something.
I can't be told certain things as I'm just too intimidating and scary even though I've done nothing to deserve either tag.
I can't wear something pretty or girly as I'm too much of a tomboy.


I never knew. My friends told me. Thanks a whole lot guys.

Friendship, or a Lack Thereof

Sometimes I think I'm too idealistic. As in, not about world peace or global warming or poverty and all the other issues that'll only end when civilization ends, but about my personal life. I am something of a realist, bordering on a pessimist sometimes... not really a happy person by nature. So it's not like I think life will be a fairy tale, or that I'll get everything I want, no matter how good I am or how hard I work. 

No, I'm idealistic when it comes to people. Not everybody, of course, because then I'd be one of those stupid naive people who irk me so much. Its a bit of a conundrum actually. I'm actually slightly jaded when it comes to people - a result of quick changes and bad experiences. I don't let people in very easily, as I have come to the conclusion they are rarely worth it. But then, I meet some people who I feel are worth the effort and whom I should trust. You know how you have the fling, the one-night stand, the school sweetheart, and then the guy you marry and spend the rest of your life with? I have those levels even in friendship. And I treat my friends accordingly too. But with the guy you marry, you have a certain level of trust, you tell him what you feel, you tell him what you think, you trust him entirely and don't keep things from him, right?? [In my defence, I did warn you I'm idealistic about personal life] So I want to have that with my closest friends, the people I let in. I guess that's why I always get hurt.

In my head, along with all the other idealistic jabberwocky about love and family and whatever, I have this code. A code I think all friends, real friends not the rest of the crowd, should have with each other. If I trust you, and you trust me, then I should be able to say what I feel, what I think, even if you don't want to hear it, because really, if I don't say what you don't want to hear, who will? Isn't that part of the job description? Be happy for them, be stupid with them, be angry at them, go to them when either of you are sad, listen when they tell you something, and tell them if they're doing something you think is wrong or stupid? I mean I get it, nobody likes being told that, I certainly don't but these things need to be said right? Someone has to be brutally honest and say it like it is before things become too wrong. And when you're away from your family, it should be your friend right?

We all wear masks around people, everyday all day and it's exhausting sometimes. I have always thought (wished, hoped, dreamt, yearned) that family and friends are the two categories of people in front of whom we should be able to drop the masks without being afraid that they'll turn away from what they see. I mean if you can't show all your character flaws and the real you to even these people, then really, who else is left? But that's not how it works. Nobody else seems to think this way, which makes me think I'm wrong, but God, I want to be right, otherwise the other possibilities leave me too lonely and vulnerable with no one to turn to.

I have many character flaws. I am a very dry person - not happy too often, don't laugh (like really laugh) too often. My parents and my brother have told me this often enough, and I guess they have a point. My words are generally too harsh, I sometimes push the line a little too far, say more than I should have. So I hurt people, without meaning to. The intention to cause hurt is never there, so going by all that I've been studying this semester, I shouldn't be guilty of a crime. But I guess these are cases of absolute liability, intention is not relevant and I get punished. I am not justifying my actions, or saying that I don't need to change this side of me, I do. But is it too idealistic to wish, to hope that I can have friends who will put up with it, and say it right out to me if they can't and tell me to mind it as they've reached the limit of their tolerance with my bullshit? Because that's all I've ever wanted. Because if I can have that, then maybe I wouldn't feel so scared or vulnerable to tell them how I feel about things. 

I have never had that friend. That one friend whom you tell everything. Who knows exactly how you feel, and what to do about it. Who knows you inside out and likes what she knows, the one to whom you can turn no matter what and be able to say what's bothering you. It has always been something I have missed my whole life.

I have this group of friends back home, amazing friends whom I love to spend time with, whom I actually miss sometimes when I'm sitting in college or hostel and the people are being annoying. I consider them to be really good friends, certainly people I still want to be in touch with even after 10 years. But sometimes, it stuns me how little they actually know about me. I mean I have only known them for 5 years now, 3 of which we have all spent in different institutions, only meeting up on birthdays, so I guess it's understandable. Then there are these two other friends of mine, MS and RP whom I've known since ages and ages (6th std, to be precise) but then I left the city, and again, we are down to conversations on birthdays. I value them a lot, and I know they value me too, but they're not people I can talk to about my day as I don't see them everyday. We're not as close as we once were, and definitely not as close as I hoped we'd be when we finally got to this point in our life. My oldest and closest friend is G. I have known her since I was 6. But she moved away in 6th std. So we are close and I love her, but those years after are the ones when you actually grow up and she wasn't there. We have met a handful of times since she left, maybe 15, probably less. When we meet, I feel happy. And I talk to her sometimes on the phone, but I'm not that great a conversationalist on the phone, so it's not the same thing.

I tell myself it's not my fault. I have moved around a lot since 7th std, changed a lot of schools, and it's been hell. I mean, these are the years when we actually grow up, form our own personalities, and I was always something of an outsider during these times, trying to make a place for myself in a room full of people who have known each other for years. So it can't be my fault I haven't formed that close relation with anyone. But then sometimes I think maybe it's me. Maybe it's because of how I am, of who I am and what I expect (all my idealistic bullshit) that this happens. Maybe I am the reason I don't have a best friend.

And that scares me. More than anyone knows.

Introduction, sort of

Well, here it is. My own blog. I have no idea why I am writing one, as I am not very creative. At all. You have no idea how long it's taken to set up the page. I guess today just started out as one of those days - slept in, got into a spat with mom, had a deep-ish discussion with some friends.... And during all this, a growing feeling within me sort of crystallised itself.

I have this feeling. I am sure everyone has it at some point or the other. In fact, its so cliché, I feel my own inner sarcastic-condescending-self looking at me with a mockingly raised eyebrow. That's right. You've guessed it. I am feeling misunderstood, like nobody gets me. In my defence, this is not a case of full blown hysteria or depression or self-centred angst or any of those overly dramatic nonsensical emotions. It's just an increasingly stifling feeling of being forced into a box that's too small, too unidimensional. It's like even the people who know me are so focussed on one part of my personality, that that part is overwhelming everything else. And because they are so focussed on that one trait, they are making assumptions about the rest of me based on that. Woefully off-the-mark assumptions. Which kind of gets one thinking about what am I doing wrong here, that even people who know me - who can tell from my face that I need company, or that I need to be alone for a while or those hundred other things that makes you want to trust them with yourself - don't really know me.

Hence this sudden motivation to share my thoughts with everyone. I am posting my blog to try and figure out and articulate exactly why I am suddenly feeling alienated and frustrated with the people in my life, and their inability to understand.

However that's just the main cause that's got me writing. I am not too comfortable discussing my emotions  and feeling and stuff, so it shouldn't be too angsty. This blog will hopefully also give me a safe chance to let the formerly mentioned sarcastic-condescending part of my personality out in the open without stepping on too many toes. Because right now, that side is kinda getting me screwed. This is a much less risky place to state that I find most people around me are stupid, naive, immature, or any combination/permutation thereof. This freedom of being able to state my opinion about something or someone out in the open without having to worry about hurting feelings and violating social norms is liberating. So I think I will be recounting quite a few incidents here, with a pinch of salt and pepper, of course.

So hey, if you do end up reading my subsequent posts, they should be an amusing read. I have been told by many people that I am a sarcastic bitch. And, let's face it, it's always amusing to read accounts of other people's stupidity, from somewhat-egoistic-but-not-quiet-superior sarcastic people. But really, this is actually for my own benefit. So why do I post these instead of writing them in a personal diary? Because diaries are just lame.

Oh and I'm not really a misanthrope. I don't hate everyone. I just don't like most people I meet for any number of reasons. Doesn't mean I dislike them, more that they are inconsequential to me. But this accusation or a milder version thereof ("anti-social") has been following me for a while now. So hey. Needed something cool anyway.

Let the blogging begin.